Dating… don’t do it.

Dating is a really bad idea, as the following collection of stories prove.

To protect the privacy of certain individuals, the names and identifying details have been changed.

And I want my pink shirt back!

I was out having coffee with my new friend, Ricky, one day when I did the stupidest thing. On this day, Ricky was wearing tight leather pants with a sheer leopard print shirt. I guess I wasn’t surprised, as the last time I had seen him he was covered in sequins. He had just purchased an apartment in town and really wanted to show me his new place. I innocently went back to his place and was genuinely surprised by his proposition when we got there! I didn’t want to tell him that I thought he was gay this whole time, so I made up some excuse about having to pick my brother up from school.


Wardrobe Malfunction

When I was 10, I quite fancied a boy called Kevin, so I was very excited when I was invited to his birthday party at zone 3. Being quite a small kid, I always got hand-me-downs. We got a bag just before the party and being zone 3, you wear black so you don’t show up in the UV lights. In this bag I found some great black stuff, including a black headband that I just thought was absolutely it, vogue and all. So of course I wore this to Kevin’s party.

A year or so later, I asked Mum why it had 8AA on the label. She said “Mary, that’s a bra”. I  had gone Kevin’s party wearing an 8AA bandeau bra on my head.


Our love fern! You let it die!

This was date number three with this girl from Brisbane. We went out to a nice restaurant and everything went fine. Just normal chit chat like “How was your day?” “Shit. How was yours?” “Shit” and this went on for a few hours. When we left she says “uh, maybe we should do an activity”.

“Ok, what do you want to do?”

“I dunno…” There was a bit of silence then “you hate me! You must hate me and you’re bored of me and you want to leave! Fine, fine! Just go, leave!”

Not wanting to upset her, I suggest that we go to a lookout nearby and check out the pretty lights or something. We got there and were looking out at the cold, cloudy and slightly rainy night (not the best night for looking out) and she wants to snuggle. She’s shoving her head in my face saying “omg, my hair smells like the food we ate!” I now have hair in my mouth.

She then pushes me into a corner [I can’t breathe] and says, “Do you realise that the love I feel is real?” [Oh great, I met you a week ago] “Do you love me like I love you? Do you care the way I care that you care?”
“Uh no, I thought we were just dating. Isn’t this just, like, getting to know you?”

“I imagine us married!” Then she runs! She bolts into her car! I am not going to get abandoned on this mountain, so I run after her and I get in the car. The trip back to my house is completely silent. Siii- lent. Awkward.

By the time we get back to my house, she stop the car and… the tears. Like manga, they were bursting out of her face and the screaming, like ahhhhh! I’m just patting her “stop that, no more”. I thought I could rationally talk to her, so I said “look, this is the third time I’ve seen you. We haven’t spent more than a few hours together. Love is a bit crazy right now. So maybe not yet.”

“Maybe one day?”

“Maybe, I don’t know” She starts crying again. “I mean yeees, definitely! Sooooon.”

And then out of nowhere she unbuckles her seat-belt, mounts me in the car and starts making out with me. [oh no, what have I done…]


Yeah, smooth

The morning before I was going on a date with a guy, I ran into him. I wasn’t wearing any make-up but I didn’t care. I’m a confident person. Later that evening when we caught up, the first thing he said to me was “you look really nice now with your makeup on!”



That is NOT ok

There was this one time my boyfriend thought a fun date would be to take me out hunting. He knew that animal welfare was important to me and I was reluctant to go, but I thought he was just going to go shoot some cans. To my horror he shot a Wallaby right in front of me. I had nightmares for weeks and needless to say, he is my ex-boyfriend.



Randy asked me if he was allowed to drive my car to our date. I said yes but please be careful. Literally 1 second after he pulled out of the car space, he ran into another car. We do not speak these days.


And a story from Mum

Many years ago, my boyfriend at the time thought he’d spoil me at Easter time. He had bought me this beautiful, huge, colourful Easter chocolate in the shape of a chicken. It looked magnificent and he was very proud of it.

It had to journey from Hobart to Devonport in the back of a car on a hot day. Upon presentation of said gift, the chocolate had not faired so well in the back of the car. Although the shape and colour of the chicken was still magnificent, the chocolate was one big melted blob in the bottom of the foil.

Me: “Mum, why didn’t Dad put the air conditioning on?”

Mum: “This was the 70’s”

Me: “No air conditioning in the 70s?”

Mum: “No”



Instead of going on dates, trying to find that perfect someone but then you end up in the corner of your lounge room with two empty Tim Tam packets and an empty wine bottle…

Adopt a cat!

This is Velvet. She is waiting at the Ten Lives Cat Centre for that special someone to adopt her.


Velvet would love a quiet and understanding adult, who will make the time to sit with her, and earn her trust.

She loves a pat and a scratch, but not to be picked up.

She is a special girl who requires a special home – Is your home “the one”??

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