Medical Questions Finally Answered! (by a real doctor)

Do you have a bunch of weird medical questions that have been burning in the back of your brain your whole life? Worry no more, because Dr. Megan Alessandrini is here to anwer all these questions for you!

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How did you get into a medical degree?

The job offers were in my Christmas bon-bon. I had a choice of medical degree or pastry cook, but I hate cooking ever since my childhood mishap with a mincer.

Was there a Doctor McDreamy at your hospital?

Of course! Yes, I remember well. Like a carry-on movie with Alvin Purple in a stethoscope. (Ask your parents)

If you are impaled, do you leave it in or take it out?

That depends what your plans are for the day. If you are cleaning out your wardrobe or ironing clothing, it could be quite handy for hanging, leaving your hands free, etc. Also good for rescuing birds of prey. Several could be accommodated at once. When you do decide to remove the penetrating object, my professional advice would be to have a bandaid at the ready.

How to treat a snake bite: latest theory.

Why would you bite a snake?? This is an act of animal cruelty and is a pretty poor dietary decision. If you must, and you have all your own teeth, the wound might be deep so stitches may be required.

Best remedy for the common cold.

No such thing – you dreamt it. But obiously if you geniunely think you have a cold, eat. A lot. Heaps. Unless you have a fever – nil by mouth with fever.

Best acne treatments

I recommend a strict diet; water, rice crackers and air. A vigorous facial peal, achieved by the application of a paste of play dough, hydrochloric acid and salt. An incredibly painful procedure, with lasting scarring, but it stops the acne in it’s tracks.

Is alcohol healthier than exercise?

There has been extensive research on this. I myself established through repeated experiments that alcohol makes you feel great, but exercise makes you tired and breathless. I have heard that people who exercise die eventually.

What should I do about my ingrown toenail?

Yuck. Amputate.

Will carrots make me see better?

Absolutely – my mother told me this.

She fed me carrots every day of my life and I can see. She hated carrots and hid them under her plate, and she is blind. Proof*

*This is actually true so it is a tasteless joke and I feel ashamed and now regret bringing this up. Curse you.

What’s this rash on my hand?

It’s probably fungal. Does it have an odour? Apply pressure and elevate the limb. If it persists, take two panadol and lie down.

 

Thank you for consulting me. I can recommend the application of a dog for all medical conditions… can’t hurt right?

I bulk-bill in months without the letter ‘r’.

 


Disclaimer

Dr. Megan Alisandrini is a doctor of political science, so perhaps check with your GP before taking her medical advice.

She is also on the board of the Dogs Home of Tasmania and encourages you to adopt a lifelong friend from here.

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